I Want To Hold Your Hand

The reason I'm writing this is that one day when I am old and senile I will be able to remember this sweet memory.   I just hope my eyesight will hold out so that I can read it!

When I was a little girl I was afraid to go to sleep.  This may have something to do with my insomnia today, but that is just a hunch.  Well, after many years of therapy, I have realize why I am unable to go to sleep and why I have panic attacks which prevents me from sleeping at night.  This will be reviewed in another blog called Anxiety, Agitation and Anti-depressants.

When I was young, my grandfather passed away.  My very wise mother said that he was just sleeping.  Well, basically that scared the hell out of me.  So since then, I can't sleep like a normal person does.  For many years following his death, I would have to hold my mothers hand to go to sleep.  In my mind, that if I held her hand and something happened to her (she died) then our hands would forever be together.  Screwed up, I know, but I was a kid.  It gave me comfort knowing that she was right there.

It's amazing how you put memories in a place in your mind and they only creep out when something or someone brings them to your conscious.  I'm sure my very smart niece, Jessica, has a psychological term for this, but I don't. 

One night about a year ago, Noah and I was getting ready for bed.  He lays with me until he goes to sleep.  He sweetly slipped his hand into mine.  For some reason, this brought this memory back to mind.  He wanted to hold my hand as he drifted off to sleep.  And it has been a sweet tradition ever since.  I hope that fear is not the reason he is holding my hand, but just comforting knowing I am right beside him every minute and I will never let him go. 

Everynight, like clockwork, he gets settled into bed.  And as he gets drowsy, his sweet hand reaches for mine. I have never shared this story with him.  Or anyone else, except therapist, for that matter.  I'm not sure who is finding the most comfort by holding hands!  I pray that his dreams are peaceful.  And at least I have him for a little while.